i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
