Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
