I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
