Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
