dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
