Your face is a jimmy john
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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