the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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