If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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