Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
