Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You pole danced in your parka.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
