im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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