White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
