I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
