i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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