So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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