I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
