I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
