I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
