we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
