i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
