Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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