he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
