community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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