Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your penis caused this!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
