so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
3 2 1 whiskey
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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