i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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