FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
