i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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