I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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