Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
