Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
