I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
