I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
