why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
