haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
