This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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