Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
