nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
