Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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