I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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