I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
