Me too!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
