I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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