Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
two words: eviction party
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
