a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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