My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
