i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
