Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
