I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
