I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
