gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
